Re-Parenting Your Inner Child With Self-Talk
We all have a relationship with ourselves, we can’t not have a relationship with ourselves. We experience our internal and external worlds from this place of awareness, and yet, most of us don’t actually have a very quality relationship withourselves. This will ring true if you were raised by a narcissistic parent or have been in a longstanding narcissistic relationship.
The way we treat ourselves comes, first and foremost, from the way we were treated. Children internalize how their parents treated them, which eventually becomes how they treat themselves. If you were told that your feelings were inconvenient, “too much,” or that you should “get over” your experiences, it’s likely that you now respond this way to yourself as an adult. And this is not your fault. You innocently took in what was modeled to you.
The way we undo this can come through many pathways, but the one I’ll be talking about here is self-talk. You’re probably aware of the importance of self-talk, but you might not realize just how deeply this goes in terms of creating a new relationship with yourself.
The way we speak to ourselves usually comes from how we interpret our experiences, which then translates to how we relate to what we’re experiencing. Most of us are having thoughts all day long, some helpful, some not. However, at the core of our self-relationship is either a loving and accepting presence or one that is deeply critical and shaming.
The truth is much more nuanced than either/or, because we aren’t static beings. You may have a highly critical part, but you also have a fiercely loving and supportive one that comes around every once in a while.
What I like to support people toward is helping them connect to the fiercely loving presence that already exists within them. This isn’t necessarily something that requires a ton of skill, per se, but it does require willingness and a desire to connect to a more loving part of yourself.
Without the will to make changes, we’re not going to get very far. We must be moved by our own suffering in order to shift into a more desirable state.
Ask yourself:
Do you desire to be more loving to yourself?
Are you willing to try and fumble and try again, even if it’s hard?
How do you feel for yourself when you witness the cost of what this critical, internalized parent has to say?
Most of the time, we are operating on autopilot, so making these changes involves becoming conscious and intentional. And all it takes is a few minutes per day of truly acknowledging yourself and your experiences from a place of love, acceptance, and warmth.
Where a lot of people get tripped up is with the concept of self-love or self-compassion, and I get why.
The narcissistic parent did not model this because they did not have a well of self-love or self-compassion of their own. And likely, these concepts were presented to you in a way that felt inaccessible. Too fluffy, too mushy, too unrelatable. You might not resonate with the stereotypical depiction of these two states, which is so understandable.
The way I see becoming your own loving inner parent comes down to this: Presence. Can you be present with what you’re experiencing, without turning away from it, without shutting it down, but tuning into what it’s like for you and acknowledging your feelings exactly as they are?
Think about it like this: if your own child were to come to you in a state of distress — maybe they’re tired, lonely, sad, or scared, how would you want them to experience you? Notice how I said experience.
Do you want them to experience you as judgmental, critical, or devaluing? Or would you rather they experience you as a warm, caring parent who can hold them through their feelings?
If you can visualize, or if you’ve had the lived experience of, being a loving presence to your child, then you can do the same for yourself too. Yes, you can.
Your mind will tell you that “it’s not for you,” or that “it’s not going to make a difference,” which are just clever ways your mind is trying to keep you away from something that feels vulnerable or threatening.
But what if you were able to actually do this? How different would you feel if you met your own experiences with care and consideration?
My guess is that you’d feel pretty connected, safe, and nurtured. You’d be developing what is called internal safety. This is the experience of having a place within yourself where you belong.
Here are some ideas for how this might look:
When you’re feeling anxious:
“Of course you're feeling overwhelmed right now. I'm right here with you. Let's slow things down together.”
When you’ve made a mistake:
“It's okay. You’re still learning, and I love you through this. What matters is how we care for ourselves afterward.”
When you're procrastinating or avoiding something:
“It makes sense that this feels hard. We can take one small step. I’m proud of you for trying.”
When you're experiencing self-criticism:
“You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy. You’re doing the best you can, and I see how much you care.”
When you’re triggered or emotionally flooded:
“Something about this moment doesn’t feel safe, and that’s okay. Let’s pause and take care of us.”
When your inner child is longing for validation:
“I believe you. Your feelings make sense. I’m not going anywhere.”
When you feel unlovable or not enough:
“You are lovable exactly as you are. You don’t have to earn it. I love you for you.”
When you feel like giving up:
“This is really hard. I’m not going to force you, but I’ll walk beside you, even if it’s one slow step at a time.”
These aren’t scripts you have to memorize, they’re meant to model attuned, compassionate presence that your younger self may never have received. You can tailor the tone, language, and energy to feel more authentic to your voice.
Disclaimer: This post is intended for educational and inspirational purposes only and does not replace professional advice or treatment. Please consult your healthcare provider for guidance tailored to your needs.