What if I Really Am Making it All About Me?

Have you ever had a narcissistic parent accuse you of making things all about you? That you’re being so dramatic, overly sensitive, and making a big deal out of everything?

If I had a dollar for everyone who’s told me that their narcissistic parent accuses them of one of the above (or some iteration), I’d be very rich.

Defense Mechanism: Projection

Let’s talk about a defense mechanism that narcissists use on the daily: Projection. According to author Joseph Burgo, projection is “a primitive type of communication-the earliest form of communication, in fact, between parent and child. Instead of projection, think about evacuation-getting rid of something that feels bad” (p. 115). 

Essentially, projection is a regressive defense mechanism that is defined by a person taking something that is occurring inside of them and putting it onto someone else. It’s a strategy to avoid taking responsibility for what you are feeling inside of yourself and keeps the loop of avoidance and denial in full swing. 

For a narcissist, facing these internal experiences can feel debilitating and it can open up doorways to parts of themselves they’ve been warding off for years.

Maintaining their self-esteem is a full-time job and projection is one way to make the job “easier”. Put another way by Burgo, “...we transfer the burden of our feelings onto the other person” (p. 115). How convenient.

Am I Becoming a Narcissist?

A major concern for adult children of narcissists (ACONs) is becoming a narcissist themselves. They tend to equate taking care of their needs, securing healthy boundaries, and increasing self-worth with stepping into narcissistic territory.

And in some ways, that’s actually true!

There is such a thing as healthy narcissism, and many ACONs are not in touch with that part of themselves. This might seem like a good thing, but in reality, it does not allow for a full self to emerge. Without a self, we become like ghosts and we never get to experience life as a full-fledged human being. Denying ourselves by taking up less and less space, may have been a big way to survive a narcissistic parent.

When you begin the process of healing this trauma through therapy, one of your first tasks is to grieve what you’ve lost. Once you’ve allowed for the grief to move through your body, anger typically emerges. And anger is one of the best emotions we have for helping us define who we are.

The “angry phase” of treatment is usually where you start to draw out some solid boundaries for yourself. You become acquainted with your unmet needs and you recognize all the parts of yourself that had to go offline in order for you to survive. These parts start to come back, as they should, so that you can step into your authenticity.

For a lot of people during this stage, their self-worth begins to take root. They begin to cherish identifying their feelings and meeting their needs. It almost feels like a superpower.  Others, however, may feel on shaky ground because they are still interacting with their narcissistic parent. This is where comments from narcissistic parents like, “I didn’t mean it that way; Why are you so sensitive?” or “I guess I can never do anything right by you” begin to cast doubt in the mind of the adult child. They still hear those comments as containing a sprinkle of truth in them and fear that they are being unreasonable.

It’s sort of like learning how to walk as a toddler, but only for short spurts before falling down. If the response of the parent is “Why are you so bad at walking?”, the child may start to believe that attempting to walk is futile. Here you may be feeling like it’s too dangerous to walk, metaphorically speaking.

Can you see where doubts such as “Maybe I am making it all about me” or “Am I being unreasonable?” starts to settle in? (By the way, to a narcissist, anything that’s not serving them is unreasonable, so that’s not a very good metric to use.)  

It's Okay to Make it About You!

However, in a sense, you are making it about you…FINALLY! This is where I’d be high fiving you! To recover, you need to make things about you because you are rebuilding your selfhood. Going back to the toddler example, a toddler is a highly self-focused, narcissistic little being and that’s a good thing. Eventually, they learn how to retain a sense of self while discovering that they are a self in relation to others. This is where empathy tends to grow and creates a balance between taking care of the self, but not at the expense of someone else.

Your development may have looked more like discovering that you were a self for others and you learned that placing everyone’s needs before your own kept you safe. We have to undo that now. The difference between being a narcissist and being self-caring (by taking care of your needs, developing strong boundaries, and increasing self-worth) is massive. Can you name the difference between a flower and a piece of fruit? You might even be thinking, “what a weird comparison” and that’s by design because they’re entirely different species!

Discerning if it's a Projection

When a narcissist accuses you of being too sensitive, dramatic, or selfish, ask yourself this: 

1. Could this be a projection? (the irony is that it takes a level of sensitivity to accuse someone of being sensitive) 

2. Would anyone else in my life use these words to describe my actions? 

3. Would I use these words to describe the actions of someone else? 

4. Are the actions that I’m taking bold for me because they’re challenging me to honor what I’m needing? (If yes, here’s where some self-compassion would be helpful.)

Another strategy you use comes from the practice of Nonviolent Communication. If you are being accused of being selfish or unreasonable (or anything that registers as a critique), consider for a moment what the accusation is and then name (to yourself) what you observe yourself actually doing. In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg suggests we move away from evaluations of self/others and begin to identify what we observe instead (Rosenberg, 2015). Here’s an example.

“You’re being overly sensitive” (Evaluation).

Taking that accusation and putting it through the observation lens (what is it I'm actually doing?):

“I have asked my mother to please speak at a lower volume because I need quiet” (observation).

“You’re being so dramatic” (Evaluation)

Taking that accusation and putting it through the observation lens (what is it I'm actually doing?):

“I have told my father that I am unavailable to listen to his political views because I am needing respite from the stress it causes.”

“What you’re doing is selfish” (Evaluation)

Taking that accusation and putting it through the observation lens (what is it I'm actually doing?):

“I am creating more space for me to connect with my family by limiting the frequency I talk on the phone with my parents”.  

Conclusion

Practice reframing those accusations by using observation language to describe what is actually occurring. And if you struggle, ask for help from a partner, friend, therapist, or someone with whom you have a lot of trust and safety with.

Becoming a narcissist out of the blue really isn’t a thing. A personality disorder is inherent and also driven by environmental factors from early age. Focusing on yourself in order to heal is vastly different from the kind of self-focus that narcissists have. And last, most narcissists aren’t worried about becoming narcissists, so take that in. 

Burgo, J. (2012). Why do I do that?: Psychological defense mechanisms and the hidden ways they shape our lives. New Rise Press.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. PuddleDancer Press