When Boundaries Don’t Work: Reclaiming Your Power in Narcissistic Relationships
If you’ve ever set a boundary with someone, calmly, clearly, lovingly, only to be met with silence, rage, mockery, or a complete disregard for what you said, you might wonder: What am I doing wrong?
The truth is, you’re not doing anything wrong.
You may simply be trying to use a healthy tool in an unhealthy dynamic.
This is especially common in relationships with narcissists or emotionally immature people. You were likely told by well-meaning friends, books, therapists that boundaries are the way to take your power back. And they are. But only when we understand what they’re actually for.
Boundaries Aren’t About Changing Them
If you’re setting boundaries with a narcissist in an attempt to be understood, change their behavior, or get them to affirm your reality, you will be deeply disappointed.
Innocently, you’ve likely fallen into a false belief that says: If I set really clear boundaries, I’ll get what I need from the other person.
And in non-narcissistic relationships, that might actually be true. The other person might hear you fully and meet your needs in a way that honors both of you.
But in a narcissistic relationship, setting a boundary under that belief is a recipe for more conflict and frustration.
Narcissistic individuals don’t see boundaries as acts of self-respect. They see them as threats. To them, you are either with them or against them. A boundary signals that you are separate, sovereign, which feels intolerable to someone who thrives on power and control as their mode of self-regulation.
Boundaries From Power
If you can set your boundary knowing full well that the narcissist is neither going to change nor accommodate you, then you are setting boundaries from a place of power.
In other words, you're not setting the boundary to change the narcissist, you’re setting it in response to the narcissist and taking full ownership of how you’re going to meet your own needs.
You are no longer orienting your self-care around their reaction. Instead, you are making it clear what your needs are and how you’re going to meet them.
Here are a few examples of what that might sound like:
“I’m not available for this conversation right now. I’ll step away.”
“I won’t be attending the holiday gathering this year.”
“If you raise your voice, I will no longer be able to participate in this conversation.”
“I’m choosing not to engage when you insult me.”
You aren’t demanding that they stop yelling or criticizing or crossing your line. You are simply stating what you will do in response. That is the heart of a boundary rooted in personal power.
Unlearning Reciprocity
This can be deeply challenging at first, because most relationships operate on a principle of reciprocity.
You express a need, set a boundary, or share what you feel, and often, the other person responds with curiosity, care, and interest. They might even thank you for your honesty. And in truth, the relationship just gets better.
In narcissistic relationships, this has to be unlearned.
A new expectation must be held, which is that: They are not interested in supporting me or my needs.
And if you can come to that awareness, not out of cynicism, but clarity, then you are free to engage differently.
The Moment You Stop Trying to Change Them
The moment we realize we no longer need to change the mind of someone else in order to meet our own needs is the moment we step into liberation.
Part of reclaiming that sense of freedom is recognizing what you are actually in control of: how you choose to respond to yourself, your needs, and your reality.
This isn’t easy in a narcissistic relationship. They bait you at every corner, use tactics to suppress your wisdom, and ultimately need you to be in the down position so they don’t feel threatened.
Yet, if you can remember this—if you can make the choice to let go of the need for them to understand you, affirm you, or do anything that they truly cannot do and instead return your energy to where it belongs: with you.
Then everything begins to shift.
A New Kind of Power
You begin to witness the bait without taking it.
You stop explaining yourself to someone committed to misunderstanding you.
You no longer need their validation to know what is true.
And with every moment you choose to stay with yourself rather than chase their approval, you build a life rooted in your own clarity, your own care, and your own truth.
This is what reclaiming power looks like. Not in grand declarations or dramatic exits (though those may come), but in subtle daily shifts of allegiance, from them, to you.
If You’re Still Struggling
If you're feeling discouraged right now, let this be your reminder:
You are not failing at boundaries.
You are grieving that the old strategy—of getting them to change—won’t work.
And you are building a new one.
One where your needs matter.
Where your limits are honored, by you.
Where your reality doesn’t require validation to be real.
You aren’t demanding they be different anymore.
You are choosing to be fully you.
Boundaries aren't just about what you're saying no to, they're about what you're saying yes to: your clarity, your peace, your power. If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing, contact me to learn how we can work together.
Disclaimer: This post is for educational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice.