Coping with Maternal Narcissism: Logic vs. Fantasy

Like all good fairy tales and fantasy epics, there are heroes and villains. The heroes grace the pages (or screen) with their humility and strength whereas the villains, trapped by their own ego and vanity, lurk in the shadows. 

Narcissistic mothers are not outright villains (though some with malignant traits are), however, they do mirror some of the same traits as what we’re familiar with: Selfish, egotistical, entitled, craving validation, fragile, disingenuous and hypersensitive, all while making their sycophants swear their allegiance to them. 

Children of narcissistic mothers learn that the only way they can survive the relationship is to be what their mothers demand. In most cases, that is to relinquish their identity, so as not to threaten their mother, and give up their subjectivity. This relinquishing happens slowly and unconsciously, starting from childhood, and as habits begin to solidify, they become patterns of behavior that stick around well into adulthood. 

Logic and Fantasy 

Adult children of narcissistic (ACONs) mothers find themselves lodged between logic and fantasy. Logic states the obvious, such as “I know logically I don’t have to tend to her every need”, while fantasy states the implied “but I just feel so bad if I don't”. In the logical world, the ACON registers that the way they’re responding to their mothers doesn’t makes sense, but in the fantasy world, they can’t seem to help it. 

The feeling bad part is where ACONs step into fantasy. The fantasy of the narcissist is one in which all of her subjects bow to her and never question her right to the throne. The fantasy of the child whose mother is the narcissist is, “if I never upset my mother, she’ll never leave me.”. 

Even well into adulthood, the need for our mothers remains as salient as ever. We may not need her in the way we did as children, but we still crave her approval and security. When you have a narcissistic mother, this need is conflicted. There is a deep longing for mutual connection, but most ACONs have learned to accept that their relationships with their mothers is truly one sided, which leaves its mark.

Many of the adult children I work with struggle to face the truth of their narcissistic mother. The logic and fantasy parts of their mind duke it out, sometimes leading to a stalemate, other times resulting in a defiance-like acceptance that screams “I can’t do this anymore! I quit the relationship!”. The pain that maternal narcissism causes is unrelenting, though once the therapeutic work begins to address the scars it left behind does healing begin. 

Covert Narcissism: The Hidden Ego

Of the adult children I’ve worked with, nearly all of them would define their mothers as having the less obvious form of narcissism, covert or vulnerable narcissism. In a review on female narcissism, the authors note that vulnerable narcissism strikes both genders, however it’s more notable in females (Green et al., 2021).  

Covert narcissism, (note, I use covert and vulnerable interchangeably), in my opinion, is harder to contend with than its grandiose counterpart. Grandiose presentations are much more noxious and obvious. The presence of guilt or shame about needing to have boundaries and distance with a grandiose narcissist is less, usually because there’s a level of being fed up with the behavior, so healthy forms of self-protection tend to prevail. 

Vulnerable narcissists are more likely to inspire sympathetic responses from others, as they present with “shame, hypersensitivity, and low self-esteem” (Green et al., 2021). This is why untangling adult children from their narcissistic mothers is so difficult. Their low self-esteem activates our desire to rescue and when that doesn’t happen, as in we’re setting healthy boundaries or learning to have our own separate lives, we feel guilt. Guilt, is like the master key. One turn, and we’re flat on our asses. 

The Presence of Toxic Guilt

In most fairy tales, there’s a kind of magic that can be used for good or for evil.  When used for good, it helps humanity in some way. When it’s used for evil, it can warp and manipulate the mind to forget reality. Guilt, in my opinion, is that kind of magic. When it’s used appropriately, it can do wonders for strengthening and repairing ruptures in relationships, but when it’s used inappropriately, like preventing a person from meeting their own needs, it devastates. 

Toxic guilt is often utilized by the narcissistic mother and internalized by the child. When it is deployed, it stunts the child, and later the adult, from developing her own emotional and social life, rich with contradiction. She doesn’t know that she can be both caring, kind, while maintaining a level of self-assertion that grants her permission to build secure boundaries in her relationships. 

The narcissistic mother operates in all or nothing, black and white constructs. You are either with her or you’re against her. She cannot tolerate disappointment and often perceives your needs and boundaries as slights against her, which leads you to overcorrect by justifying, explaining yourself, or giving them up entirely. The curse of toxic guilt begins its work. 

Conclusion

It’s no surprise that the etymology of narcissist is derived from the fabled myth of Narcissus, the self-obsessed son of a God, who dies looking at his own reflection. If this were a modern tale about the plight of the covert narcissist, the story might reveal a person who never grew up into their own full self. We’d see something fractured in this person, some missing piece of identity. They’d be more like walking mirrors, hoping to see themselves reflected back through the eyes of those who come upon them. They know they exist, but their identity means nothing if they can’t see it being reaffirmed by others.

If you’re beginning to place distance between you and your narcissistic mother and learn how to be a separate person from her, she may see this as the step she could never make to become the woman she wanted to be. Unable to cope with anger and disappointment, she lashes out against you, accusing you of being unreasonable, but never fully being able to register that you are doing what’s necessary for your own wellbeing. This is where you must step out of the fantasy world she’s constructed so that you can live your life.    

This post was also published here.

References:

Green, A., Maclean, R., & Charles, K. (2021). Female Narcissism: Assessment, Aetiology, and Behavioural Manifestations. Psychological Reports, 125(6), 2833–2864. https://doi.org/10.1177/00332941211027322