Why It’s Easy to Fall for Love Bombing
Narcissists are notorious for following a relationship pattern. In some cases, narcissists in romantic relationships will enact a cyclical form of abuse that starts with idealizing, then moves into devaluation and discarding, and then ramps up the “love” with hoovering and love bombing. In parental forms of narcissism, this of course can happen too, but it presents differently.
Let’s get right to the heart of the matter though. Love bombing, while manipulative and over the top, feels good. It appeals to our own narcissistic cravings to be seen as special and wanted. When a narcissist is love bombing, they are basically showering you with all of the warmth, care, affection, and “love” that they recently withheld from you, as love bombing tends to happen after they’ve discarded you. The ravenous appetite you’ve accumulated for love and attention starts to feel sated again and hope for the relationship returns.
However, there’s something about love bombing that always feels a little too good to be true (because it is).
Most of us tend to ignore that too-good-to-be-true feeling because we want to believe that there’s something real in this kind of relationship. We hope that the narcissist is finally coming to terms with their horrible actions and is willing to treat us with the care and respect we deserve.
Falling for love bombing does not indicate that you are weak willed or easily fooled. It indicates that you are craving love! You’ve been starved of it recently, and narcissists do make for irresistible lovers (I’ll post on this soon).
If this is a parent, however, it goes deeper. Your attachment longings for warmth, attunement and closeness start to awaken. It feels like the parent you’ve always wanted is coming around.
To contrast, a narcissistic lover may love bomb with trinkets and grand displays of affection like taking you out to an amazing restaurant or buying you fancy jewelry, a narcissistic parent may love bomb by portraying themselves as the ideal parent and you the ideal child. They may say things like, “Let’s have a mother-daughter day, just the two of us. And I’ll take you to your favorite restaurant and we can split the dumplings like we used to”. What child, regardless of age, could pass that up?
What do all children essentially want from their parents? To be loved. That’s it. So, when your narcissistic parent makes gestures that look like love, you are going to feel giddy with hope. Hope is a fuel source that you’ve likely had to tap into many times before in this relationship. In fact, it may be the one thing keeping you in it. Hope for a better parent or hope for a better romantic partner. Love bombing manipulates that to the nth degree.
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As adults, the question is, how do we catch love bombing in action and learn to discern it from genuine displays of love and affection? The first is to consider, what came before and what comes after? If you know this person well enough, likely this isn’t the first time you’ve experienced love bombing. What typically follows in your experience? Can you spot a trend?
Additionally, it’s helpful to notice your own internal signals, particularly that little voice in the back of your head that is screaming, “This feels off!”. That part is correct. It is connected to your intuition and your innate wisdom.
When we are being love bombed, we tend to feel overwhelmed, crowded, and swept up in it. Showing ourselves grace and compassion is imperative as we grapple with the intense desire to be loved, tempted by the narcissists gestures, while knowing that it only leads to a dead end.
The feeling one often gets in love bombing is similar to the feeling you get if you were being sold something by a salesperson or advertisement. This salesperson has all the right things to say. They may even intuitively sense an insecurity you may have that directly ties into their product. You can tell the person is trying to convince you that you need this one thing, but underneath you know it’s only to benefit them.
This is not to say that all salespeople are scummy, rather it’s calling out that there’s a system at play here: Getting you to buy something. They’re not really that invested in you as a person or what you truly need, just the outcome, which is a sale. Narcissists play this game well. Love bombing is their sales pitch. It’s not you or the relationship they want, it’s the possession of you. And possession leads to control.
At the end of the day, the way to survive a narcissistic relationship is to have the best, more supportive relationship, with yourself! That looks like being able to notice your feelings, your needs, and to be responsive to them. When a narcissist has got you by the heartstrings, it’s so important that you notice how you are feeling in that moment. Yes, you likely feel good, but underneath that you’ll notice a tugging from your intuition. It’s so vital you feel entitled to listen to that tugging and respond to it too.