Did I Make That Up? (And other ways narcissists create self-doubt)
A common refrain that many adult children of narcissists ask is “Did I make that up? Was it even abusive behavior?”. I have so much empathy and compassion for this question because I know all to well the devastating effects that being raised by a narcissist can have on your perceptions.
The most debilitating thing about narcissistic abuse is its complexity: It can range from overt and obvious behaviors to the most subtle and covert forms of manipulation. Often times, when you leave an interaction with a narcissist, you know what you feel, which is typically deflated, confused, anxious, self-doubting, and depressed, you just don’t know exactly why you feel that way.
Narcissistic abuse can be clever. The narcissist is actively finding ways to take zero responsibility for their behavior and does a fine job of convincing you to take on all of the blame.
Subtle tactics like manipulation, which can range from feigning doubt about something they did, acting blameless, telling lies that are interspersed with truths, dismissing your point of view and opinions, using guilt to coerce you into taking care of their needs instead of yours, and dishonoring your right to be autonomous.
When any of this happens, you’re likely so caught off guard and focused on the situation in front of you, that it’s hard to step back and see the behavior for what it is: a tactic. Do not, for a second, come to the conclusion that you must be so “broken” if you can’t see narcissistic abuse. This is exactly what a narcissist would want you to think, and you know what? Anyone can be taken in by narcissistic behavior, especially when it’s a parent.
The Turmoil of Having a Narcissistic Parent
It’s not uncommon for us humans to want to see the good in the people we interact with. We may find ourselves trying to look past bad or toxic behavior and searching for glimpses of the “real” person beneath. As an adult child of a narcissist, you are no stranger to desperately craving for your parent to finally “see the light” in your relationship, so that a healthy dynamic can emerge. It’s common to also cherish those rare moments when your parent’s narcissistic façade slips and you catch a moment of kindness or intimacy.
When all you’ve wanted is for your narcissistic parent to actually see and validate you, it’s natural to stay hooked into that relationship, always hoping for a change and trying to figure them out: Are they narcissistic? Are they not? Did I make this all up?
And of course, it makes sense. They’re your parent after all and you are wired from birth to attach to them. That wiring doesn’t simply go away once you become an adult.
It’s important for you to give yourself plenty of grace for this because you did not choose this attachment. As an adult, however, you do get to have a say in how you relate to your narcissistic parent, but more importantly, it’s time we start with how you relate to the way in which the narcissist manipulates and confuses you.
Learning to See Through It
Your biggest source of power will be in firmly trusting your perceptions, gut feelings, needs, and boundaries (which will be tied to having a healthy relationship to anger). And it’s very crucial that you start to recognize their patterns. This change in awareness requires that you slightly hover above the interaction, watching it the way you might a game of chess.
This does not mean you need to dissociate from your self or play any games, rather it is more about you learning to catch the toxic behavior before you take it in (and if it gets taken in, that you know how to reframe it to see it as the problem of the narcissist, not a reflection of you).
Narcissists want you to always be feeling less than. Why? Because that is how they can continue to manipulate and lie to you. And it is a projection of how they feel.
If you no longer accept this position, then you have put yourself back into your own power. And you do this by refusing to take their instruction on how to be. Which,if narcissists had instruction it would sound like, “Blame yourself for what I did”, “Doubt your perceptions in favor of mine”, “See my needs as having much more value than yours”, “Learn to dismiss your beliefs and feelings so that I don’t have to feel challenged by them”.
So, you won’t be doing that anymore. And when you no longer play into that trap, you learn to see the toxic behavior much more clearly.
New Instructions
When you can see something clearly, you can make different choices if you wish. A note: This will not come easily at first. You will undoubtedly be swayed back into those familiar patterns with the narcissist and this is not something to feel hopeless about. Just like any kind of behavioral change, it takes time, practice, patience, courage, and commitment, not perfection.
Another tip: Refuse to beat yourself up for mistakes you make. Refuse to condemn yourself for being human. Refuse to devalue yourself or make yourself solely responsible for this relationship. Refuse anything that makes you question your goodness.
The reason why adult children of narcissists wonder if they’ve “made it all up” (it being the abuse, the memories, the fact that their parent is a narcissist) is because that is what they’ve been instructed to do. To doubt. To be unsure. And so, if you find yourself wondering if you’ve maybe taken liberties to exaggerate your parent’s narcissistic behavior and wonder if your childhood really was all that bad (after all, you had clothes, the latest gadgets and food on the table, so could it really be abuse? *hint: Yes, 100,000 percent*), I want you to stop right there.
You are not going to doubt this today. You are going to acknowledge that your perceptions are not wrong. You don’t have to remember every exact detail or way you felt because in all honesty, you probably won’t. However, the fact that you feel anxious, doubtful, distrusting of yourself, and nervous around your parent (nervous to tell them no, to set boundaries, to share your successes and failures), tells us everything we need to know. You were duped out of a healthy relationship. It’s not okay and you don’t have to justify anything for your experiences to be valid.
What you need to do is practice validating yourself; Speaking with genuine concern and kindness to the part of you that has been wounded by the narcissist and not dismissing it the way you’ve been taught to do.
Narcissism is insidious, it’s hidden, it’s disorienting in the way it fogs your memory up. The fact that you are searching for narcissistic recovery tips and articles tells me that you know more than you think. Even if you are doubting whether or not your parent is a narcissist and if you “actually” suffered narcissistic abuse, there is likely another part of you that is onto something.
Not all parts of you believe your doubt.
There’s another, inner truth-telling, part that can register what was done to you. The part that is doubting is the voice of the narcissist. Don’t let it dissuade you from healing.