Why Do Adult Children of Narcissists Feel So Much Guilt?

Guilt is one of the many weapons narcissists use to get their way and prevent you from having your own independent needs and values. Despite what you may think about narcissists, they are actually highly dependent individuals who rely on others to keep their sense of self intact. Hence, they need to keep you available and disconnected from your own sense of self, which is why using guilt is often their weapon of choice.

Guilt is a very powerful inhibitory emotion that we have when we’ve mistreated someone or betrayed our own values. When guilt is healthy, it’s a massive motivator to right the wrong and make the appropriate repairs.  When it’s unhealthy, or toxic, it feels stifling and stagnates our energy, leading us to ruminate, engage in self-doubt, and give into the source of the guilt (the narcissist).

Consider for a moment how your narcissistic parent has used guilt on you in the past.  What do you see as a common theme?

• Do they resort to guilt tripping when you set a reasonable boundary?

• How about when you express your feelings to them?

• Do they acknowledge your needs with genuine care or do they default to making claims that you’re being selfish?

Remember, narcissists need others to keep their sense of self intact, so the moment you begin to separate from them with healthy boundaries, that will trigger their dependency and will attempt to reel you back in.

A narcissist is going to hear your boundaries and feelings as an attack on them or as a judgment. And what better way to stop this perceived attack on them than becoming defensive and using guilt to convince you that what you’re doing is wrong.  Consider the function of guilt: It is inhibitory. And because it’s such a powerful social emotion, it’s easy to get swayed by its strong current.  

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The best way you can overcome your tendency to be manipulated by guilt, is to recognize that your narcissistic parent is going to use it liberally and in ways that only serve their needs. They will fuel a form of toxic guilt that will take you nowhere. Guilt is not warranted when we are standing up for ourselves, maintaining our boundaries, honoring our needs and feelings, and creating distance from toxic people.

If a narcissist (or anyone, really) is using language to guilt you out of having appropriate self-care practices, you need to see it as a false alarm.

And if you are feeling guilt in these instances, it likely because you’re not used to being a separate person from your parent. Narcissistic parents groom their children to be extensions of themselves, and when you stop allowing for this, it can feel a bit like a betrayal against the family system. Asymmetrical relationships feel like the norm if that is all you’ve known. You’ve been conditioned to believe that this is how parent-child relationships look.

You’ll know you’re in the realm of healthy guilt if you feel compelled to make a repair, have no conflict about this, and you see it benefitting both people. If you set a boundary with a parent and determine that maintaining a low-contact relationship is best, but you feel guilt, ask yourself why? What is the belief system generating that guilt? Do you see a resolution that would serve both of you? More often than not, the “resolution” your mind comes up with only serves the narcissistic parent and keeps you at a disadvantage.  If it’s only serving the other person, then it’s likely you’re in the realm of unnecessary guilt.

Developmentally, narcissistic parents are quite young, so it’s not surprising that their way of managing distress and frustration is to use guilt-tripping strategies. Instead of being direct with their needs, they resort to being passive aggressive or using blame language to not take accountability, and this conveys to their children that they don’t have capacity to regulate or take care of themselves without you.

There’s nothing more frightening to a child than to believe their parent cannot take care of themselves (because that means they won’t be able to take care of them).  Even as adults, it’s easy to forget that your parent can actually take care of themselves and can cope with the boundaries you’re setting, even if they protest. 

If you find yourself feeling guilt for something you’re doing, take a minute to pause and check in. Ask yourself these questions:

1.    Is this guilt coming from my own value system? (i.e. If you have a value of honesty and you lied, you’ll feel guilty because it’s antithetical to your values)

2.    Does this guilt motivate me to make changes or demotivate me and leave me feeling deflated? If it’s the former, it’s healthy. If it’s the latter, its toxic.

3.    If someone else were in my shoes and they felt guilt for a similar action taken, what would I tell them? Would I see it as warranted?

4.    Is this guilt coming from all or nothing thinking? Where can you reframe it to be more inclusive to nuances and show compassion to your humanity?

Be skeptical when your narcissistic parent uses guilt against you. It’s not easy at first, but the more you can learn to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt, the better equipped you’ll be to handle it with your narcissistic parent.