Do They Know They’re Narcissistic?
Do fish know they swim in water? Okay, actually it’s not that simple, but for those of you who’ve grown up with a narcissistic parent, it can sure seem like they are completely unaware. And from what I’ve seen, this seems to be the case. What I think is often unstated within this question is the real question: “Will a narcissist become aware and then change?”
The truth is that there are some narcissists who claim to be self-aware. While I’ve not known these folks personally, nor have the folks I’ve worked with had self-aware narcissistic parents, they do apparently exist. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, as does self-awareness. Just like with any clinical mental health disorder, one can be self-aware of their own diagnosis, but that doesn’t always lead a person to change or seek help.
For most adult children of narcissists, the most infuriating aspect of being raised by a narcissist is the narcissists inability to acknowledge their (the child’s) reality. This takes it shape in the form of gaslighting, love bombing, scapegoating, and other forms of abuse and neglect. If a narcissist cannot acknowledge the reality of another person, it will be very difficult for them to acknowledge their role in affecting the reality of another person.
Put another way: A narcissist is unlikely to take responsibility for their part in the relationship; they are much more likely to put the blame onto you. A narcissistic parent is extremely unlikely to ever admit that they were wrong or hurtful in the way they treated their child. Most often it’s the child who has “wronged” the parent, according to the narcissists worldview.
What I have seen happen, however, is a narcissistic parent may, every blue moon (we’re talking like maybe once per decade), say something that sounds like an admittance of “I could have done better”. But rarely is that ever followed up with a desire to express this with sincerity and make an actual repair. Often, the adult child will respond to this with hope and get nothing back or the narcissist will follow this up with how hard their life was in the end.
Narcissists rely on a false persona (i.e. what makes their narcissism function) in order to survive in this world. This persona is made up of beliefs and ideas about themselves and the world that aren’t accurate to reality. Narcissism starts as a defense against significantly low self-esteem and low self-worth, insecurity, and toxic shame and eventually gets solidified into a personality disorder.
This false persona not only keeps the narcissist disconnected from their insecurities and low self-worth, it keeps them in a perpetual state of denial that permeates their worldview. For example, a narcissist who has just been wounded or slighted will likely go into a narcissistic rage, which may serve as a way to intimidate the other into submission. This rage is essentially representative of their inability to tolerate their experience of shame, because for them it does not stay within a healthy window of tolerance, and they struggle to self-regulate.
Someone without narcissism, who’s maybe just been wounded or shamed, might acknowledge this to themselves like “Ugh, that sucked” and reach out to someone for support, express their feelings to the person who has wounded them, retreat in a healthy manner by setting boundaries (i.e. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t speak to me like that. If this continues, I’m going to leave”.), or remind themselves that they are good enough despite having made a mistake.
Going back to the often hoped for underlying question within the question of this blog: “Will they know they’re narcissistic and change?”. Sadly, it’s truly fruitless to hope for a narcissist to realize that they’re narcissistic to the point of them actually changing. The sad reality is that is very unlikely to happen.
Maybe the tiniest fraction of folks with NPD could attest to making changes, but it’s not often that this is the case.
A narcissist, in order to change, would have to discard a highly self-protective mechanism that has served their ego all of their life. It would be like asking a person to leave their front door open day and night. The experience would be overwhelming and deeply uncomfortable.
Narcissism, as a defense, can be characterized as armor for a very fragile ego. Removing the armor leaves the narcissist vulnerable to a collapse of self, meaning they could easily go into a severe depression or identity crisis that would leave them feeling destabilized. If you’ve ever seen a window that’s been cracked, you can imagine that this is what would happen for a narcissist if they let down their armor: many cracks and fissures would form and leading to a fractured sense of self.
What do you do then, if you have a relationship to someone who cannot see their own selves accurately? The first step is to give up trying to make them anything other than what they are. There is a kind of pain and loss in doing this.
In some ways, this can feel like giving up, but in reality, you are accepting the immovable force that is their narcissism, which will inevitably bring up feelings in you. These feelings are important signals for you to pay attention to. When we allow our feelings to be heard and attended to, relief and new insights come to the forefront.
Ultimately, this is what healing from narcissistic abuse looks like: Making room for what you feel and finally taking into consideration your unique viewpoint that will be different from the narcissists. It’s only when we give ourselves permission to feel, have needs, and be separate selves, that we can enter into a recovered space where our own individuality can come into view.
If I could offer one piece of advice to the person who so badly wants the narcissist in their life to change is this: Stop trying to make that happen. Stop waiting for it to happen. It won’t and it will only lead you to feel frustrated and in some ways, lead you to repeat the same patterns the narcissist enacted onto you, which was likely felt as controlling and rejecting.
Ultimately, this comes down to accepting the painful reality that a narcissist is unlikely to change, even if they were aware of their narcissistic personality.
However, when we accept that, we create freedom for choice. You can either continue being in a relationship with this person in a different way, with newer expectations of them and of yourself, or you can move on and let the relationship go.
If you decide to go the former route, remember that this isn’t about accepting abusive behavior and doing nothing in response. This isn’t about acceptance as a passive response to other unhealthy behaviors from them either. Acceptance in this case means calling a spade a spade and not hoping it will eventually change.
We’re dropping the idea of changing them and instead focusing on changing our responses and reactions to them. This means being firmly connected to your boundaries, rights as a human, and not leaving important feelings or needs behind in favor of “pleasing” the narcissist (or anyone for that matter!).
As simple as “acceptance” may sound, the actual practice of it takes a lot of self-awareness and a willingness to interrupt those former patterns of trying to reason with or change someone who cannot see beyond their own nose. I’ll give you a little example of how non-acceptance and acceptance would sound if they could talk:
Non-acceptance: Why can’t my mom understand my feelings?!? Maybe if I explain to her why I’m so angry, she’ll understand.
Acceptance: That makes me angry. I don’t have to explain myself or convince my mom that my feelings make sense. She won’t understand that, so I will instead draw a boundary, disengage, and let my feeling guide me toward a healthier outcome for myself.
Non-acceptance: I’m so fed up with my dad; I’m going to tell him that I think he’s a narcissist and needs to get help. (The implied hope is that he will actually hear this).
Acceptance: I’m so fed up with my dad. I’m going to listen to this feeling and I will respond differently. (The implied message is that the power lies within you to change and you needn’t wait for him to change).
You get the picture. Acceptance must go both ways. You’ve got to be able to turn toward yourself and say “I accept you” and mean it emphatically. As we accept what we cannot change, we also learn to accept what we can. This is where freedom emerges and choice begins.