How to Know if My Parent (or Spouse) is a Narcissist: Six Clues

If you are starting to suspect that one of your parent’s is a narcissist, it is likely you are picking up on some behavioral and mental/emotional responses that your parent displays, in which you feel fairly certain that they are somewhere on the narcissism spectrum.  If you’re just coming to this suspicion or have known for some time, you are likely to experience moments of doubt along the way.  This is perfectly normal. 

A common theme amongst adult children of narcissists is the experience of doubt. Which makes sense! A narcissist will train you to doubt yourself.

Within this doubt, many adult children of narcissists find themselves asking this question: “How do I know if he/she really is a narcissist? What if I’m overreacting and it’s something else?”

In all honestly, you won’t ever know for certain.  And learning to live with that uncertainty is key.  At the end of the day, whether they meet the DSM-5’s full criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), or have flavors of narcissistic traits, the most important issue is how that affects you.

We live in a world where labels and diagnoses are everything and in some cases they’re incredibly necessary! We need to know if a dull ache in our shoulder is because we slept on it wrong or if there’s something more serious going on like a tear or strain. Having labels helps us navigate the world in a much more efficient way. 

The problem with labels, however, is that we can get a little obsessive about “needing to know for sure” if something is what we think it is.  That something, in this case, is needing to know for sure if a parent is truly a narcissist.

Here’s the deal.  Most of the time when that question gets asked, it’s being asked out of a place of insecurity.  There’s a fear that if the parent is not a narcissist, that the adult child will then have to face feelings of guilt for wanting to distance from their parent, for having angry feelings towards them, and may experience a sharp pain of shame for not feeling favorably towards their parent.

I get that. Social norms make it seem that all children, whether adult or not, should want to have a relationship with their parents.  When they don’t, they can often experience a sense that they’re being uncaring or that they are the problem and need to change in order to have a better relationship with their parent.

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The problem with being in a relationship with a narcissist is in the way their pathology affects those around them.  You can, in one instance, feel connected to them and hopeful that they are finally able to see you as a person in your own right, and then in the next feel hopeless as you witness their typical antics of shutting you down, dismissing you, ignoring your feelings, or responding to you in a way that conveys indifference. 

The ever-changing mood swings and shifts in attitude can leave you wondering if perhaps you’re the problem.  If you were “better”, maybe then they would behave differently? But the truth is that you have nothing to do with it.  Narcissists are always working hard to protect themselves from those deeply hidden feelings of shame, unworthiness, deficiency, and mediocrity.  They will typically either present as grandiose, full of themselves, or vulnerable, woe-is-me.  Either way, their behavior serves one purpose: To help them maintain their sense of self at all costs. 

 Here Are The Six Clues…

So, while I cannot tell you whether or not your parent is a narcissist, here’s what I can give you: Clues that you’re onto something.  In addition, I’m going to come back to the belief that it doesn’t really matter what they are!

If their behaviors are affecting you negatively and lead you to behave in a way that is always taking care of them, dismissing your own needs, or doubting the validity of your feelings, then no matter where they fall on the narcissism spectrum (or even if they’re not even on it), it’s important you take the steps to validate that you are entitled to have a healthy relationship! That you are completely allowed to have boundaries, needs, and reciprocity between yourself and your parent.  If none of those things can exist, it’s likely they are on the NPD spectrum.  And even if they’re not, it’s time for you to take steps to protect yourself.

Clue no. 1.  You never feel that they’re interested in you

This one can sometimes feel a bit elusive to spot, as Narcissists can feign interest, but you never really get the full sense that they’re genuinely interested in you or your life.  Grandiose narcissists may ask you questions that any other person would like, “How was your week? Where do you want to travel?” but when you give an answer, they don’t show the signs that they’re taking it in. 

Most people acknowledge your statements with verbal and non-verbal gestures. They lean in, give eye contact, and turn towards you to suggest that you have their full attention.  Narcissists will be much less likely to do that.  When you give some insight into yourself, the narcissist may look away, keep themselves physically turned away from you or at an angle, and not take the conversation further.  They will hear you answer and change the subject back to themselves in some way or another. 

You’ll leave conversations or hangouts feeling as though you’ve been used, and in truth, you have.  Narcissists keep other people on the line for their own gain.  This doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong by being in their presence or in relationship with them, it’s just that you’ll likely feel a bit dried up; exhausted and depleted. That’s just the result of being in the presence of someone who cannot engage in a reciprocal relationship.

Clue no. 2. They talk endlessly about themselves and rarely inquire into your life.

Similar to the above, narcissists will give you endless details about their latest pursuits, even if you’ve heard them a billion times.  In many respects, they sometimes seem like they are merely talking puppets that keep going and going and treat you like a spectator whose sole purpose is to witness them.  Because narcissists are incapable of allowing themselves to be vulnerable, they do not know how to inquire into you because inquiring into another means that they have to rely on their empathy, social skills, and capacity to tolerate the unknown, which is what you are.  You are about as unknown to them as the ocean!  

To combat the potential shame of being caught off guard by another in a relationship, they keep the focus strictly on themselves.  If they do inquire into your life, it’s often being done from a place of accusation like, “Who were you with today?” or from a scripted kind of place that make you feel they are merely asking because they “should”. 

You can tell the difference between someone who can talk about themselves, but can equally make room for who you are your unique experiences.  Often, in relationship with a narcissist, you leave the conversation feeling frustrated, unseen, and depleted. When a narcissist, on the off chance, does seem to show an interest in your life, it can feel like a small surge of hope arising that says, “Maybe they’ve changed!”. But I urge you to take that with a grain of salt.  A narcissists mood and behavior can change like that, at random, and it’s important to be aware of this. Don’t get too hooked by or attached to their constantly changing affect, behavior, and mood. It’s never you who is the cause.

Clue no. 3. They resort to using guilt and manipulation tactics when you set boundaries

This one is often the place where individuals in a relationship with a narcissist struggle the most and understandably.  Narcissists do not respond well to boundaries.  A boundary to a narcissist feels like a little death.  They will react with hostility, guilt, and manipulation, as a form of protest.  When we’re in healthy relationships with people, we can set boundaries with ease and the other person will hear them and act accordingly.  They’re literally as simple as that. 

When we’re relating to narcissists, our boundaries will be bypassed, pushed against, and criticized, because narcissists interpret boundaries as rejections, and it’s very difficult for narcissists to face any kind of rejection.  While a boundary, in and of itself, is not a rejection, to the mind of a narcissist, they will always hear any kind of “no” or limitation as a form of rejection. 

Boundaries tell other people what we like, don’t like, our wants, our limits, and give valuable information for how we will show up in our relationships! Narcissists cope with feeling rejected by trying to pawn those feelings off onto you! So, if you are the adult child of a narcissist and you inform your parent that you aren’t going to be able to see them as often, they’ll deal with this in one of two ways: Belittling (guilt tripping, manipulating, gaslighting) you or taking a victim stance towards themselves, which, surprise, is also there to elicit guilt from you. 

Your biggest task is to see their behavior for what it is:  A reflection of their fragile ego and has nothing to do with you.  When you can start to see their behavior as indicators of their internal suffering, shame, or beliefs of being deficient, then you can relate to it differently. 

Clue no. 4.  They want you to merge with them and become critical when your boundaries, needs, and life goals do not align with theirs.

As you’ve seen above, one of the most obvious clues out there is related to boundaries.  Narcissists do not like it when others have a healthy sense of self because that means they cannot be manipulated as easily. A narcissist, in most cases, is not consciously trying to manipulate, rather they don’t know how else to communicate their needs, often because they don’t really know them to begin with.

As an individual, you have a fundamental right to being a unique and separate person.  In order to do that, you’ve got to know what you need, feel, want, and where your limits are.  If you’ve been raised by a narcissist or are in a romantic relationship with one, doing this can be fraught with all kinds of landmines.  After a long enough time in the presence of a narcissist, you can lose your sense of who you are and what you want.  This is not by accident. 

Most of us do not care to be in conflict, so we will either avoid it outright or fall into habits of taking care of the other, as a means of reducing the likelihood of a conflict.  Often times, adult children of narcissist and spouses of narcissist’s fall somewhere in the middle of these two responses. 

It’s not uncommon for you to keep certain parts of yourself hidden, minimize your needs, rationalize away your emotions, and second-guess the boundaries you either want to set or have set.  The reason being is that you’ve learned that the “best” option is to give into the narcissist’s demands to avoid conflict and strained interactions.  This is a type of merging; one where you own sense of self is slowly eroded away and you start living your life for the narcissist. A narcissist, much like a vampire, needs you to be their source of energy and life.

Who are they without you?

One of the hardest, yet essential, parts of recovering from narcissistic abuse is to learn how to be completely and fully unapologetic about your needs, feelings and boundaries.  Despite the challenges that brings at first, once you get into the habit and practice, it starts to become much easier and more second nature.  Plus, you’ll see that in other non-narcissistic relationships, the other person genuinely wants to respect who you are as a person, boundaries and all. 

Clue no. 5. They give you lines without ever following through

A common occurrence in relationships with narcissists is that they will likely tell you something that you want to hear, without ever following through on it or being respectful either.  Some narcissists are smooth talkers, making you feel as though they care about you and offer you all kinds of promises that they never follow through on, whereas others may keep you feeling hazy and unsure about what their intentions are. 

In some cases, when you bring up their lack of follow through, they will respond with denial and gaslighting, so that you feel totally thrown off by the entire situation. If you start to feel like you’re asking for too much or even doubting the validity of your memory, know that this is an effect of denial and gaslighting.  The lack of follow through comes from their inability to really care about you or their commitments to you (which aren’t real to them anyway).

The effect of all of the above leaves you feeling a bit strung along, as though you’re always waiting in line with no real end in sight. Recognize that the hazy, confused feelings you’re having are not indicators that your memory is flawed, it’s the effect of being guilt tripped and manipulated out of your own perspective. This can happen, but fortunately, you can come back to your sense of reality and stay grounded within it.

Clue no. 6. They cannot handle criticism, life challenges, or healthy conflict without becoming explosive, shutting down, or blaming you.

Narcissists have a very fragile ego, which means that it does not take a lot for them to experience an internal and external collapsing. Being in relationship with other people means that we must learn how to validate our own feelings and make room for the feelings of others. For narcissists, they cannot do either. When a narcissist feels sad, scared, hurt, or betrayed, their world and self-view becomes very limited and fractured.  It’s difficult for them to consider the big picture, such as “I see that my spouse is frustrated, I wonder what that could be about?”. Rather, it might be more like, “My spouse just said something with that tone. That’s not fair! I hate her! She’s the cause of my hurt feelings now!”

It’s difficult for a narcissist (if not down right impossible) to empathize with the perspective of another, or even see another human being accurately.  You might say something like, “Hey, can you remember to get more paper towels at the store today?” yet they will hear that as you accusing them of never being good enough or a failure.  Their response to a very benign question might be to blame you for “never remembering” to pick up items that they ask for, to shut down, to make you think you’re asking for too much, or become explosive. 

An individual not on the narcissism spectrum, can usually hear criticism or be in healthy conflict without taking it directly to heart where it causes all kinds of inner turmoil.  Or if they do take it to heart, they have enough wherewithal to recognize that it’s affecting them and take steps to address it.  You’ll know you’re likely in the presence of a narcissist when you get the sense that you have to walk on eggshells and censor yourself across all forms of expression, big or small.

In Conclusion…

By no means is this list exhaustive, but it should provide you with a little insight into whether or not your parent (or spouse) is somewhere on the narcissism spectrum.  Of course, many disorders and mental health diagnoses overlap, but at the end of the day I am usually less concerned with a diagnosis and more concerned with how the person in question affects you. 

You are not an object, but a dynamic, feeling, and thinking being who is going to be affected in different ways by different people.  Many adult children of narcissists have been treated as though they were objects, molded to fit the whims and needs of the narcissist.  Now, you get to reclaim your own subjectivity.  And I hope this list provides you with a sense of reassurance that you are not “making it up”, nor are you “overreacting”. 

Narcissism causes serious injury to a person and sometimes we can’t always see or notice those injuries right off the bat.  Take the time to recognize the ways in which you have felt injured and give care to the parts inside that have been wounded. 

Please note: This information should not be taken as a diagnosis or replace the advice of a mental health or medical professional.