Covert Narcissists: Grandiosity in Disguise

Covert narcissists want you to buy into their victimhood. Because they are so identified with this role, they will do whatever it takes to maintain it. For them, being self-responsible feels like a loss. They lose the attention their victim status gives them, the affection from others, and the validation that their life is too hard or they had it the worst, which excuses them from taking accountability.

Covert narcissists have a secret grandiose desire, but it is cloaked by helplessness, illness, and inauthentic vulnerability. They want to be the most special by being the most victimized and they want your buy-in. And by that, I mean, they want you to drop your needs and take care of theirs. They have an insatiable need to feel special, just like all narcissists do, only their method of attaining it is by declaring themselves the most victimized or helpless. 

And think about it: What is your impulse when you are confronted by a person who presents as helpless and wrapped up in their own tragedy? You want to help them! You give them your attention, your care, and your time. Exactly what a covert narcissist wants!  

When you are doing this for someone who is not narcissistic, the end result is that they feel supported and more capable of facing their challenges. All human beings will find themselves in this situation from time to time and we absolutely should be relying on the support and help of our friends and family.

A narcissist, however, will not feel stronger or more buoyed in the end. They will have more problems and more headaches and will not do anything about them, except complain to you. You will also leave those interactions feeling depleted and used (because you were).

_____________________________________________________________

Covert narcissists hold onto every instance of wrongdoing or injustices against them (real or perceived), and each one gets put somewhere inside their psyche. Eventually, that psyche is overflowing and instead of cleaning it out, they make excuses for why they can’t or why they don’t need to change because they are blameless victims.

Covert narcissists use guilt to get their need for validation met. Since they are so identified with being the victim, they need someone to be the persecutor. And that is where you come into play. They pair themselves against you. When you approach them with a bad day you’ve just had, they barely acknowledge it before jumping into how bad of a week they had.

When you tell them about a recent success, they turn the focus back on themselves in a way that makes you feel guilty and selfish for “bragging” (because to a covert narcissist, anyone who’s worked hard for something and then talks about it is bragging).

The best thing you can do with covert narcissists is learn how to keep your emotional distance. This doesn’t mean acting like a robot or putting up massive walls around you, but it does look like not approaching them with emotionally sensitive topics, good or bad.

Don’t look to them for support, encouragement, or praise. They simply cannot (will not) give it. And if you do, they’ll simply one up you.  If you comment on this, for instance saying something like “I notice you tend to bring the focus back to yourself”, they will ridicule you of being overly sensitive, dramatic, and accuse you of being the narcissist yourself.

The second-best thing you can do is to stop rescuing them. Stop overly giving of your time and energy to their woes. They are not going to use it to help themselves. Using grey rocking, rerouting the conversation towards superficial topics, or simply saying, “hey, I’m not available to talk about this” (which will get a reaction, but at least you are telling them your truth), are ways to get out of this dynamic of helper and “helpee”.  

What you’ll likely discover as you begin putting emotional boundaries up for yourself with them is that your life starts to feel better. You realize that it was never your job to fix their problems and that the choice to get real help remains fully in their hands. You will of course feel the effects of being around them, but when you can protect your emotional energy from being drained, you can navigate the relationship with a lot more ease.